Back to the story...
I was at my parents' house, and I was carrying Penny (she was facing out because she loves watching EVERYTHING now) and I was walking down the stairs when on the 2nd to last step, my sock slipped and BAM, down we went. She immediately started screaming and so of course I'm flipping out thinking she cracked her head or twisted something or broke something! I calmed her down and tried to see if there was any damage. Sure enough, she has a rugburn on her little forehead. THANK GOODNESS I was carrying her the way I was, my arm took the blunt of the stairs for her. I can't imagine what would've happened if I was carrying her facing backwards over my shoulder, I don't even want to think about it.
So needless to say, I feel terrible. I feel so unbelievably awful. My poor little girl got hurt because of a stupid accident, but I can't help but blame myself. I shouldn't have gone on the stairs, I should have paid more attention, I should have done SOMETHING ELSE! I know this is irrational. It was an accident. But as a mother, I am wholly responsible for everything that happens to my little girl, and that should NOT have happened!
You can see her rug burn here, but she's still her normal happy lovely little self. But I hate seeing it, just a reminder of how awful I feel!!!I hope that thing heals soon. I hate seeing her sweet little face with that on it!
So yeah, this weekend we were back at home for the funeral of Hubby's great grandmother (So, Penny's GREAT GREAT GRANDMA!). She was a lovely woman who cared so deeply about her family. She had 4 children, 20+ grandkids/stepgrandkids, 20+ great grandkids/great stepgrandkids, and 2 great great granddaughters (Penny and her cousin Izzy). She led a very full and long life, passing away at the incredible age of 94. Here are some shots of her at our wedding:
Us with Great Grandma N
This is one of my favorite pics from the entire wedding, you can just see how happy she is to be there and so happy for us. We were honored that the matriarch of the family was there to support us.
Us with Great Grandma N
She will be greatly missed.R.I.P. G.N. 1916-2011
So as of late, I've been dealing with what I can only think is PPD. Mood swings, general irritability, unexplained crying, sadness, etc...Absolutely nothing like thinking about harming myself or Penny or anything terrible like that, no way, but I just know that I'm not myself. Tomorrow I plan on contacting a doctor about it and hopefully getting some help. I'm hoping to avoid medication as I'm breastfeeding and I love doing it and do not want to stop at all. I will not give that up, I will do everything in my power to fix myself and feed my baby with my breast milk. I've used therapy before, and if needed, that is what I'll do for this. I'm hoping a doctor will work with me through this. Jim, Penny don't deserve to have a wife/mother who isn't herself. I don't deserve to go through each day not feeling like myself. So, I'm going to fix this. I'm going to take the steps necessary to fix this, to fix me.
Ok, enough of that, here are some shots of the beautiful little girl I get the privilege to spend my days with:
Ok, enough of that, here are some shots of the beautiful little girl I get the privilege to spend my days with:
The first time I tried to trim Ava's nails I cut her finger. I didn't even realize I had cut her until I noticed drops of blood on her little pink nightgown. I cried. She didn't, but I did. I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel less of that 'mom guilt', but just know, you aren't even remotely alone.
ReplyDeleteMer, once when I was babysitting a newborn, I tripped on my way to answer the door while holding her, and her top half, like shoulders and head, swung away from me...I thought I had broken her neck! She was crying, the dog was barking, the salesman at the door was like, "Umm...I'll just leave this for you." I was SOOOOOO freaked out and was suddenly "busy" everytime they needed a sitter...it's so scary when you think you've hurt them somehow, and here you're supposed to protect them! :(
ReplyDeleteBut I still think you're a fabulous mom! :)
You are a great mom! We ALL make mistakes : / hang in there
ReplyDeleteOnce when watching Dana I left him ALONE on the changing table to go get more wipes out of his closest. It was only like five feet away. I open the door and go in, quickly, and splat! Dana rolled off! I rushed over, picked him up, and he was looking at me in this really odd way. I knew kids looked to you for clues on how to react so I started laughing, and he did too. Even though I wanted to kick myself. He was fine and I waited a year to tell my parents, had to make sure the kid was ok. They were not happy. It was dumb on my part but he is fine. And my mom went flying down the stairs with Jim when he was a baby. She bought better slippers and we were always told that story on why we had to have slippers with grippers.
ReplyDeleteJust letting you know I stopped by & you're doing a great job, mom. Sure takes me back to some lovely days.
ReplyDelete