I promise I'm going to get better at this.

Hi there, I sure am cute, doncha think?

This monthly update thing is going to change, I swear it. I'm going to be better about blogging.

I feel like there's so much to talk about. My health, Penny, Easter, work, family, life. I don't even know where to start honestly.

This week we are house-sittings at my in-laws' home. I love being here. Their home is so inviting and cozy. It's perfect in the winter because it overlooks a pond out of the back window and there are trees everywhere that when they are covered with snow, well, it's so peaceful. In the summer, it's beautiful because everything is green. The pond is full of life and the wisteria that overhangs my mother-in-law's hammock is just heaven. At night you can hear the crickets chirping and it's so quiet. In the fall, the trees are an array of bold colors. It's just wonderful here. It's like, you can actually breath fresh air and relax. It's nice to have a little getaway from our everyday lives, even if it is just for a week.

My two favorite people

Penelope is 7 months old today. She's crawling now, and today she pulled herself up into a standing position. See how proud of herself she is?

It's all happening so fast!!! I need a slow-motion button. Everyday is something new with her. She's close to saying "mama" too. And she gives kisses now, only sometimes though. She'll grab your face with both hands and plant her open drooling mouth on your cheek. It's the best kind of kiss I know of.

Juuuuuuuuust doin' her morning pushups

It's finally really spring here in MI. This is the first week that it's going to be above 55 regularly and be sunny. April was RAIN RAIN RAIN and very cold. So it's nice to see the sun finally and some blue skies and flowers. Penny and I have been enjoying the sun when we can, she got to feel grass for the first time the other day, she liked it.

what's this green stuff?

being sock free feels awesome

feeling good

I'm excited for the summer to start too. I wanted to try to find a Mommy and Me swimming class for Penny and I, but all the ones I have found so far are ridiculously overpriced, so perhaps we'll find somewhere else to try swimming. Penny loves the bathtub so much, I think she'll really enjoy swimming. She mostly likes to just be naked, like this:

her little tushie is so cute!

Easter was nice. Spending time with family is always enjoyable. We had to postpone our Easter festivities with Hubby's family because Penny and I were suffering from a gnarly cold and we didn't want her adorable cousin Isabella to get it, and believe me, it was very contagious, everyone in our house got it. :(Here's Penny and Isabella about three weeks ago. They're two months apart.


Penny got this cute hat and these cute sunglasses in her Easter basket, along with bubbles and new toys. :-)

Even amidst a bad cold, Miss Penny is a smiley happy bubbly little lady. I adore her.

Little Miss is getting some curls in her hair, so it seems she'll be taking after her Daddy as far as hair goes. It's so cute!

Here's our April Family Photo:
We'll need to take a May one soon, that one was almost a month ago now!

As far as my health goes, I do indeed have what my neurologist thought, Multifocal Motor Neuropathy with Conduction Blocks. I start my IVIG (Intravenous Immunoglobulins) treatment on the 16th, so I've ordered a few books to read for the 30ish baby free hours I'll have on my hands. It still remains to be seen how often I'll need these IVIG treatments, possibly every few weeks, every few months, once a year, who knows. It all depends on my body and how stubborn it decides to be. I've been trying to do as much research as I can about it, but there's not much out there, because so few people have it. Which makes it scary, I wish I knew someone else who was dealing with this. Might make me feel a little less alone. I don't talk about it much to anyone because no one would understand. You can't really fathom what having constantly numb hands and feet is like, unless you have it.

But things are good. My insurance covers this incredibly expensive treatment and hopefully it'll do it's job and make me feel better. My fingers are crossed.

I'm going to post more. I promise.

i suck at this blogging regularly thing...

Ok, first and foremost, I want to say that I SUCK at this blogging thing. The last few weeks have been INSANE for me personally. So yeah, there's my excuse.

I've decided that there's no point in keeping things secret on here. It's my blog, I'm going to write what I want. My pleasures, my pains, my happiness, my depression. I'm just going to lay it all out there. It will hopefully be therapeutic for me since I can't afford to go see a therapist. (yeah...I'll get to that.)

I'll start things out cheerfully. Here's Penelope, who's going to be 6 months old soon:

Ah, I just love her little face. Well, I'll be honest, I love her little everything.

So, life has changed dramatically in the last couple of weeks. We moved, again. Back to our hometown, so we can try to save some money and try not to drown in all our bills.

We've both got new jobs, what sucks is that they're part-time, but right now we can't afford childcare so it's all we can do currently.

As far as my health issues go, I've had more testing done. I had an EMG. Which for some reason I thought was a brain scan of some kind, boy was I wrong. They hooked little electrodes to me and used a taser to shock me and see how my nerves reacted. I think I was probably shocked about 90 times or so. Some were no big deal, some frickin' hurt. THEN, my Neurologist said she had to stick needles in different muscles and have me flex them to see how they react to stimulus. It was terrible. She poked me in each limb about 10-15 times.

The good thing about this test is that we're 95% sure about the diagnosis. One more test to go. A spinal tap. I have that tomorrow morning. Once we get the results back on that, hopefully we'll have a 100% diagnosis. Currently, my doc thinks that it's a rare disorder called Multifocal Motor Neuropathy with Conduction Block. Only 1 in 100,000 people get this disorder. But thankfully, there is a treatment for it, but it's an IV infusion that I have to do 5 days in a row at the hospital, and each infusion takes about 4-6 hours. So, yeah, I'm about to start this new job and I have to tell them I can't work for a week because this treatment apparently wears you out and can make you feel pretty sick.

If this is in fact what it is, then I'll have it for the rest of my life. I'll have to get these IV infusions regularly to keep my symptoms from getting worse. But on the upside, it's supposed to help the numbness/weakness. I hope it works.

I'm honestly just glad we have an answer. I'll do anything to make myself feel better. Even if I have to endure these stupid and painful tests first. God I hope it works.

Thankfully it's not hereditary or genetic, it's origin is unknown. But at least I don't have to worry about Penny or any future kids having it. And that's also a good thing, I can still have more kids. :-)

So yeah, tomorrow's the spinal tap. I hope it doesn't suck as much as I'm anticipating it to.

Here are some fun pics from this month:

sorry

I seem to have been slacking bigtime, I'll update soon. I promise.

5 months

First, I'd like to say that today was a horrible tragedy for the people in Japan. My thoughts and prayers (you know what I mean, "atheist prayers") are going to those people and their families.


Penelope is 5 months old! Time is seriously flying now and she's getting so big. She's trying SO hard to crawl it's ridiculous. I think by the end of the month she'll have it figured out. My smart little lady. She's reaching for our faces now too, feeling things out. She grabbed my nose SO hard the other day, her little fingernails dug in and DANG, it friggin' hurt. She likes feeling daddy's beard too, its scruffy surface yet soft texture. It's so fun watching her figure stuff out. Discover her surroundings.

And the crawling thing, ugh, it's KILLING me to see her be so independent and strong, but at the same time I'm so proud of her. She sticks her tiny behind up in the air and pushes her face into the ground, but by god she gets where she wants to go. A combination of rolling, pushing, and wiggling around on the ground. It's funny.

Rebecca Woolf over at Girl's Gone Child just found out that she's having twins! Holy crap! I'm so excited though for her. I can't imagine what it would be like to find out you're having twins, and I understand her fear about it. It's overwhelming. But SO exciting! I can't wait to see what she names them, what cute indie folksy clothes she dresses them in, how her two older children Archer and Fable are with their new younger siblings. I can't wait to read about it!

At the end of this month, I've got some plans to meet up with a long-time internet friend, K, and her son, T, who was born the day after Penny. I met K when I first got pregnant. I joined babycenter.com and joined the October 2010 birth board. I found a group of women on there who are as different from me as the day is long, but we developed an amazing bond. Through the last year, we talked almost daily about our pregnancies, our struggles, our marriages/relationships/lack of relationships, our pains, our aches, our joys, our excitement, our worries. It's strange to be so close to a group of women who you might possibly never meet. We're all over the country and one of us is in New Zealand. There are tentative plans to meet up when our New Zealander comes over the pond, but nothing's set in stone there. But this month, K will be coming to visit family in Chicago, which puts her only a few hours from me, which means, A MEETUP! I'm really excited. Like, REALLY excited!

So, my health issues, ugh. The numbness is still very there. My hands and feet and right calf are numb, they're getting harder to use properly. My balance is all messed up because of the numb feet, I even fell face first into a wall at my parents' house two weeks ago. That was awesome...NOT. I had an MRI yesterday (which I'll get to, holy crap) of my brain and spine. I know I should hope they don't find anything on them, but part of me would be happy just to get some answers and not need to do further testing. I would love to just know WTF is going on with my body!

The MRI was well, terrifying. I have a panic disorder, so I told them to give me some kind of sedation meds so I wouldn't have a full-on meltdown once I got in there. So I get there, take the meds, and they bring me in a half hour later. Had the meds kicked in yet? NO, but did I want to hold them up? NO. Of course not. Accommodating ME just went along with it. So I get in there, the tech is really nice. He asks if I need anything before I go in, I say, an eyemask. Ok, so they get me an eyemask. From here on out, I'm depending on my sense of hearing. I hear him clicking things around my head, fastening me in, laying things across my chest, large wire-y things near my arms. He puts some headphones on me and says "what kind of music do you want?" I say, "Oldies" thinking, "they're cheery, and will keep me positive." Plus, if I say rock or something god only knows what kind of crap they'll make me listen to (nickelback? ACK!) I wanted to say, how about some Iron and Wine, or Animal Collective, Cat Power, anything? No....

So, they get me situated, and shove me in the giant magnetic tube. I can hear how tight the space is, just from the echo of noises around me. I can't see anything, but I can tell that the walls are like, inches from my face. I'm thinking, "thank goodness I have this eyemask," there's no way I could keep my eyes closed long enough for this. My morbid curiosity would've ruined everything. A woman's voice comes on in my headphones, "Ok, we're going to get started. You ok in there?" me: "yeah" Her: "Ok, the first scan is 3 minutes." click. All of a sudden BANG BANG BANG right around my head. I think that there's some kind of alarm going off, that something's wrong. But when it continues and no one is pulling me out, I realize, "holy f*%$! this is the scan. I have to listen to this for 3 minutes." BY THE WAY, the oldies music I requested is inaudible during the test, AKA, totally useless. So, the first scan stops. Her voice again: "the next scan is 5 minutes" click. Again with the LOUD and I mean LOUD BANGING. It's a different banging this time, but it all pretty much sounds like you have a metal bucket on your head and someone is slamming a giant sledgehammer against it every half second.

I'm trying to breathe deeply, trying to calm myself down because at this point, the sedation meds STILL HAVE NOT KICKED IN. I had to talk myself out of pressing the "pull me out" button SO many times. I knew I couldn't do it, I knew that if I pressed that button that I'd be wasting everyone's time. I had to deal with it. I kept telling myself. Nothing hurts, nothing is wrong, everything is ok, they need to do this so they know I'm ok, millions of people have MRI's and they're fine!

So, about halfway through, the voice comes on again "we're going to pull you out and inject the contrast now." Wait, what? AN INJECTION? NO ONE MENTIONED A FRIGGIN' INJECTION. Again, breathing deeply. I hate needles, I hate injections, I hate needles, I hate hospitals, I hate the scrubs I have to wear because if I wore my jeans the GIANT MAGNET around me would rip them off or through me or something fucking terrible. I hate hate hate this. breathe deeply.

I leave my eyemask on because I don't want to see any needles. He's (the tech) is talking to me through it. Tries to get a vein on my arm, no luck. Tries to find a vein on my other arm, no luck. Tries on my hand, pokes me, no luck. "Um, I'm gonna have to try your arm, sorry, I have to poke you again." Me:"just do it please." breathe deeply. panic panic panic. breathe. "Ok, I got it." GOOD, jeez, it's not your JOB or anything. "calm down, you're irrational fear and anger of hospitals and anything medical-related is stupid!" I think to myself.

They finish the injection. They put me back in the machine. Guess what, the sedation meds STILL HAVEN'T kicked in. panic panic panic. breathe deeply. Half an hour more of loud banging. I get out and guess who finally feels the meds kicking in? oh, that'd be me. Awesome.

I get dressed and we go home. I'm all loopy and drugged out. Yay...not.

All in all, the MRI was awful, I hope I never need one ever again, and I hope this stupid ridiculous test tells my Neurologist exactly what the fuck is wrong with me.


sorry for the f bombs. I'm just ridiculously stressed out. My life has turned upside down and I'm an emotional wreck. I'm not even going to write about it because I'm tired of crying. I'm tired in every way imaginable. I'm emotionally drained, I'm physically exhausted, I'm mentally consumed with stress, and I'm just a mess. My health is in the toilet and I'm terrified.

Ok, enough about me and my feeeeeeeeeelings. If you've made it this far, thanks. Onto the cute baby pics, I know that's why you're here anyways :)

stomach sleeper

So last night, for the first time ever, Penny slept on her belly all night long. Sometimes she would fall asleep partially on her belly, sometimes all the way on her belly, and I'd always turn her over after she fell asleep so she'd be on her back. Last night, she must have turned over completely at some point and when we woke up this morning, she was on her belly, sound asleep.

Now, this is something I was afraid of. All the "pros" tell you that back is best and whatnot. But really, how bad is the belly? She spends so much time on her belly now that she's figured out how to roll over, so she's quite used to it now and actually seems upset if we put her on her back. She used to HATE LOATHE DESPISE tummy time so it's weird to see this complete change in her.

There are lots of changes in her lately. She's so curious about the world around her. Touching things purposefully now and trying to figure out what they are. Feeling the textures of everything with the tips of her tiny fingers. It's so cute to watch.

She also wants to crawl, like, REALLY BAD. She's pushing her tiny tush in the air and scooting her way around. If she wants to get somewhere, she'll get there! I like that about her, she's determined for sure.

She's so awesome. She's going to be 5 months old in a few days. Strange how times flies.

strange desires

So, for the past week or so, I've found myself thinking a lot about newborn babies and pregnancy. I think Jim and I want to wait until Penny's a year old before we start trying for #2. But I can't stop thinking about being pregnant again. I miss it. I miss my big round belly with a little baby inside. I miss walking around in cute dresses and leggings because that's all that will fit me. I miss wondering about who the little person inside me will be, who they'll look like, what kind of tiny personality they'll have.

I felt so good when I was pregnant. I'd never felt more beautiful and sexy and voluptuous. I mean, of course I had my bad days, but really, most of it was very enjoyable. Even my labor and delivery went well. I'm so grateful for it all, and I can't wait to do it again. I can only hope my next few pregnancies (because I want 3 or so kiddos! I know I'm insane!) go as smoothly as this one did.

I read other mommy blogs and am a member on BabyCenter.com so I see newly pregnant women all the time! It's killing me! Honestly though, I know I shouldn't allow myself to have baby fever. Penny's just 4 months old and it's just not possible nor feasible for us to get preggo with #2. NO NO NO MEREDITH! GET IT OUT OF YOUR HEAD WOMAN!

Ah, Penny's waking up from her nap. Gotta go!

busy

Well, I haven't updated much because I've been really busy. The Valentine's Day weekend was full of family and friends, and it was really great!

Jim's parents came to visit us Saturday and Sunday. They hung out with us during the day and we ate Chinese food for dinner (it was sooooo yummy) and then they watched Penny for a few hours and Jim and I went to the mall and walked around for awhile. It was nice to get out of the house, just the two of us.

Sunday morning they came over and Jim's mom made us an amazing breakfast casserole and french toast and fresh orange juice. It's always a treat to have Jim's mom cook for us, she definitely knows her way around the kitchen!

Then I had to work, so they headed home. So I worked and then my best friend Mikaela and her 3 year old son Sullivan came over for the night. I missed them so much and so I was really happy to have them here to visit. I made us dinner Sunday night (Basil Pesto Chicken and angel hair pasta = OMFG SO GOOD) and then Monday we went to the larger mall in town and spent a few hours hanging out and letting Sullivan play at the play place. It was a really nice way to spend the day together. I miss her so much!

Here are some of the best pics of the weekend:

Miss Penny has begun holding her bottle!

Penny having a sweet moment with Grandma.

Penny and her proud Grandparents!

Smiley girl with her Grandma!

Me and my best friend, Mikaela (this is now one of my favorite pics of us)

Sullivan sitting on a mushroom, I just love his face in this one!

Sullivan getting ready to JUMP!

Penny laughing it up with Aunt Mickey

Penny's got her Valentine's Day party headband on!

All in all, it was a fabulous weekend!

Penny has been a ton of fun lately. She's beginning to realize that she has a voice, her favorite thing to say, especially when upset about something is "um gee" and Jim and I just love it. We eat up all her cuteness. So far, 4 months has been my favorite age. She's sleeping through the night finally, and omg does she sleep! 10 hours usually! It's insane. I kinda feel like someone is going to jump out at me and say "haha! all that sleep wasn't real! this is all a dream!" My body doesn't really know what to do with all this sleep. I've been used to the 3-4 hours at a time, wake up, feed her, go back to bed for another 3-4 hours thing. Now I don't need to wake up? This is weird.

**Warning, this next few paragraphs is about breastfeeding (oooooh scary!)**

Lately my milk production hasn't been so great. Penny hasn't been very satisfied after a feeding (from both sides) and I've tried everything. Drinking more water, taking fenugreek, pumping more too, etc...Nothing has helped. I think my boobs have just kind of had it. Which kills me, but at the same time, I've been worried about Penny's growth.

The doc wasn't worried that she only gained 8 oz from the end of December til now, but I am. She was growing like a weed until now! I just worry that not only was she not getting enough, but that I'm to blame for her not growing properly. Her pediatrician just said, we'll see how it goes at 6 months, then we'll see if we need to do anything about it and that some babies are just tiny. Well, part of me thinks that that whole conversation made my milk stop working so I'd have to get her formula, and sure enough, we did. I gotta make sure she's getting enough food, ya know? She's not the type of baby to cry when she's hungry, unless she's STARVING, but if she's got a little bit in her belly, she's content. So I never knew she wasn't really getting enough. But when I make her a 6-7 oz formula bottle, she guzzles it down.

UGH. I feel a bit like a failure. I wanted to breastfeed for a long time, and I still do, just not for every feeding. Usually just a couple times a day now. I'm going to at least do that as long as my body will let me.

Anyways, here are some cute pics. :-)