Things I Wish I Could Wear and Actually Pull Off

I wish I could afford to be this stylish....a girl can dream though!

From Here

From Here

From Here

From Here

From Here

*Picture Post*

Only the Breast

Breastfeeding is something that most people do not understand. Unless you are a mother who has tried or has breastfed her child(ren) you can't really "get it." The dedication, the time, the loss of sleep (moreso than just the waking up with the baby), the dedicating your body to your baby for more than just the 10ish months you're pregnant, the struggling, the pain, the sore nipples, the cramps, the sheer exhaustion and mental distress that comes with it those first few weeks, etc...the list goes on and on and on!

Another aspect of breastfeeding to think about are the moms who want to breastfeed but can't for a variety of reasons. Some of them accept it and are totally ok with it, but many moms who want to and can't feel like they are failing their babies. This of course isn't true, but it's a very valid feeling to have. If I hadn't been able to breastfeed Penelope I would've felt like the worst mother on the planet, and how awful I must be to not be able to feed her naturally and blah blah blah. I would've had PPD MUCH MUCH worse if I hadn't been able to breastfeed her, and I know that in my heart. So these feelings are completely valid and normal.

So, what does a mother who wants to give her baby breast milk but can't breastfeed do? Well, my friend B showed me this website where moms can go on and sell their breast milk to other moms. It's called Only the Breast. Their are numerous ads on their from moms who want to sell their breast milk, and prices range from $.40 an ounce to $2.75-$3.50 an ounce, from what I've seen just browsing.

Ok, so do the math, a newborn typically can eat 1-3 ounces a feeding, every 2ish hours a day for the first few weeks, then the # of ounces will go up as the baby gets bigger of course. It averages out to about 12-36 ounces a day at first. So that could cost you from $4.80 (12 ounces at $.40/ounce) to $108 (36 ounces at $3/ounce) a day. So obviously, buying breast milk could be quite costly. It just depends.

There are also milk banks that you can buy from, but those are almost always $3 an ounce at least because the milk that's donated is regulated and certified by the bank in that the mothers who donate have to:

• "be non-smokers
• not regularly consume any medication (including mega-vitamins)
• not consume excluded medications or alcohol within the specified exclusion period

Milk is transported to the milk bank frozen. The milk from several donors is pooled after thawing, and then heat-treated to kill any bacteria or viruses. The milk is processed and then refrozen. It is only dispensed after a sample is cultured and shows no bacteria growth. Milk is shipped frozen by overnight express to hospitals and to individual recipients at home.

The milk is dispensed by physician prescription or by hospital purchase order only. There is a processing fee charged to cover the expense of collecting, pasteurizing and dispensing the milk." -from http://www.hmbana.org/index/faq#what-

So yes, you'd be getting the best possible breast milk for your baby, but you'd be paying quite a bit for it. So it mostly comes down to how strongly you feel you want to give your child breast milk over formula, and if you can afford the expensive cost of buying donor milk. I wish that I could have donated my milk, but my body just produced enough for Penelope, we hardly ever had extra frozen, and if we did, it was a really good day and I felt like a million bucks just to get those few extra ounces out for her so that if I did need to go somewhere without her for a few hours, I knew that she'd be ok. I read a lot about women who over-produce their milk and can donate and honestly, I was so jealous! I would LOVE to have been able to donate my milk to hospitals to help babies in desperate need of those extra antibodies and goodness that only breast milk has. Maybe next time around my body will go into overdrive.

As far as how much formula costs, it depends on which brand you buy. We use the Target brand, Up & Up, for Penelope, because honestly, it's cheaper and Penelope will actually drink it. We tried the Enfamil and Similac brands for her, and she wouldn't drink any of it. Something good to know though, that according to the FDA's website, "all infant formulas marketed in the US must meet federal nutrition requirements." So why waste $25-$35 on a can of formula that might last you a week or less when you can buy the Target brand for $15 a can, at least that's our thinking about it. Because we're broke and cheaper anything is better for us right now, plus, like I said, Penelope will actually drink it, and wouldn't drink the expensive brand named kinds. Oh darn!

Also, as most of us know, (well, at least the ones of us who are parents), we know that having babies is expensive, so trying to cut costs anywhere we can is important. We aren't giving her something not as good for her just because it's not name brand formula, and honestly I'm really ok with it. I breastfed her as long as my body would let me, which was about 5 1/2 months of her life. But I know that I gave her the best food available while I could. If I could have afforded to, I would have bought donated milk, but I personally couldn't afford to, and I'm ok with that, too.

So many options, mamas! But feel good about whatever choice you make for your child, and try not to feel shame about what you can or cannot give your baby. Do what you can and know that you're doing your best to your ability. Being a mother is hard enough without making ourselves feel worse about things like this, they're only little babies for so long and you need to enjoy that time, not beat yourself up about things that may or may not be in your control.

Just try to smile and enjoy your little one while they're still little!

A Day at the Pool

Today, Miss Penelope and I went to visit my bestie Mikaela and her son, Sullivan. We decided to go to the pool because it was 87 degrees and sunny! Penny hasn't been swimming yet so I was SO excited that we were going to get the chance to try it out since she loves bath time so much.

This morning, Hubby and I went to Target to get Penny some of those swimmer diapers (because a soggy diaper is just, well, ew.) and a floatie of some kind so she'd be safe and sound. We found this adorable thing:

(that's definitely not us.)

The day was fun though. I hadn't seen Mikaela in like a month (which is blasphemy in best friend time) and it was so nice to get out into the sun for once. I feel like on my days off I still spend a lot of time inside. I need to get out more, and honestly, I need to work out too, but that's another post entirely. But here are a couple shots from today:

we were putting sunscreen on her head, and her hair got all crazy in the process

First time in a pool! She looks like she hates it here, but she was smiling seconds later!

Yesterday, I got to spend the afternoon with another bestie of mine, Claire! She's a long-term substitute English teacher at a middle school right now (hopefully a faculty member for next year though!) and she needed some help grading homework and papers and whatnot so I met up with her at the coffee shop and we chatted and gabbed about books and students and handwriting and caught up on each other's lives. I love hanging out with Claire, she always has such a positive attitude and always helps me look at things from a different perspective. We are two TOTALLY different people, in almost every way, but we get along so well and know each other through and through. I don't know where I'd be without Claire in my life, honestly. She's an amazing friend and I'm lucky to have her. Here we are: I tried to find a recent pic of us and I stumbled upon this one from her bday 2 years ago, and it made me smile, so I'm posting it. Sorry Claire!

While we were grading those 8th grade English papers, it made me realize how much I still want to be a teacher someday. Claire did her damnedest to get me to seriously think about going back to school, and maybe I will, but right now, it's not in the cards. But someday in the next 5 years or so, I'd like to go back to school and at least finish my teaching degree. I'd love to be a middle school English teacher, just sitting there in the coffee shop, reading these 14 year old student's reading logs and seeing their opinions of the books they're reading and seeing how their thought processes work was so interesting to me. It kind of re-ignited my passion for books and literature and writing and wanting to make it interesting and fun for kids. We'll see though if it's in the cards or not, I've got coffee to make for now, haha!

As far as my health stuff is concerned, I think I'm doing better! Tonight I realized that my hands and feet aren't AS numb as they were, it's still there for sure, but it's not nearly as bad. THIS IS SUCH A GOOD THING FOR SO MANY REASONS! I was honestly getting worried after my treatment and nothing had happened yet, that perhaps they misdiagnosed me and perhaps it was something much worse. BUT, the good news has arrived I think! One of the tell-tale signs of my specific disorder is its response to treatment. If it didn't respond to treatment then there would be a much greater chance that they misdiagnosed me, so I'm really hoping this is a good sign that they got it right on the first try. I go at the end of June for another EMG (remember, the pokey needles and taser test?) to see if they can track my nerve conductions and see that the treatment did its job in preventing further damage or not. Well, it at least feels better to me! My wrists are still REALLY weak in comparison to how they used to be, they ache a lot, but the numbness is nowhere near where it was!

I just realized that I never posted how the treatment itself went. Whoops! Ok, so I did the 5 day IVIG treatment, and it basically just made me really tired. Each day I'd come home and nap for a a few hours after, but I was pretty much myself after waking up from the naps. Here's the bad news, I got a TERRIBLE migraine that lasted 6 days afterward. The headache started on day 4, but went away before day 5, then came back after treatment on day 5 and stayed for 5 days. It was BAAAAAAAAD, too. I was immobilized basically, I could barely open my eyes, the light hurt, so I spent a lot of time in bed, under the covers with an ice pack on my head. Finally I couldn't take it anymore, and I called my Neurologist and my Neuro nurse, Crystal (who by the way is my saving grace) and she called in a steroid prescription for me to help the headaches. Well, I started the 9-day steroid and that same evening I felt 1000000x better. My headache finally subsided and I'm back to normal now, but man, I was out of work for almost 2 weeks because of this, which totally screwed us over, let me tell ya! Plus I hate not being at work, especially for a crappy reason like that. But now they know that the IVIG affects me that way, so next time I do it they can give the prescription right off the bat so I don't have to deal with the headaches. :)

Enough for now, goodnight moon.

thoughts as of late

I'm not entirely sure why, but it's nights like tonight that make me want to cry. I guess it's just a lot of pent-up stress. eh, whatever.

No one wants to hear about bad things, so I'm going to write about the good in my life.

1. Penelope Mae

First off, look at how stinkin' cute this girl is. I mean really, I think Hubby and I did a pretty darn good job here. She's ridiculous and funny and smiley and wonderful. Easily the best part of my life (sorry Hubby!) She's begun crawling and pulling herself up to standing, but she has to be holding onto something still otherwise she'll tumble. But she's getting better at falling without hurting herself, but today she did smash her face into one of her toys and it left a mark next to her left eye, she was not pleased. But she's getting tougher, and learning that just because she fell that it doesn't mean she can't get right back up and do the same thing over.

She's also sprouting her first little tooth! I cannot believe she's going to have teeth. I mean, babies are adorable, but babies with teeth?! MY BABY WITH TEETH? yeesh, I can't even imagine how she could get cuter...oh wait, yes I can, blond curly pigtails, which are totally in her future. Along with getting teeth is the ugly process of teething itself, I think we had our first crappy encounter with how bad it hurts her the other night. Poor thing was so tired but just couldn't fall asleep and kept rubbing her mouth and crying. We ended up giving her some Tylenol and a cold washcloth to chew on and she perked up a bit, then we gave her a bottle and she was down for the count. Hopefully she doesn't have a lot of nights like that night where she just can't sleep because she's in so much pain from her teeth, it breaks my heart!

Also, the biggest most awesome thing that she's done lately is..................she said "Mama" as her first word! She looked right at me and said it, and ever since then she's called just about everything else Mama, even Daddy, but it's ok, because it's a word and she said it to me! My heart melted into a giant mommy puddle when she said it. I couldn't believe it. She's not even 8 months old yet for crap's sake! She's so darn smart.

2. Hubby
Check out this handsome guy. Yep, he's all mine ladies!


Hubs and I at the park a few weeks ago.

I decided to find some of my favorite pics of us and I about died when I found a couple of these. This is from the first few weeks we started dating, so probably in October/November of 2004, I cannot believe it was that long ago! Look at us, we're kids! And I remember the day he came home with that lip ring, rawr!
This was probably 2006 or so, at the University of Michigan campus. This was my favorite picture of us for the looooooongest time. I just love his eyes in it, you can see how pretty and green they are.

This was on our honeymoon, August 2009, at Mackinac Island, Michigan. We were on the boat on the way over to the island, yet another one of my favorites.
Amidst looking for cute shots of us, I stumbled upon this one, I miss my hair like this, wasn't it fun? This was on my 22nd birthday!
Hubby and I have spent some time lately reminiscing about our past, our almost 7 years together. It's amazing to see that and to say it out loud, we've been together for 7 YEARS! Well, in September it'll be 7 years, but that's not far off. I've spent nearly a quarter of my life with this man so far, and things are only getting better. It's been fun having these memorable conversations with Hubby because I think it reminds us of all the amazing times we've had together and it's really funny to listen to him tell me how he was feeling and what he was thinking during some of our most memorable times, like our first kiss, our first "date," etc... And another night we just drove around our hometown and showed each other different places that we spent time at growing up and what it meant to us and it's been cool because I feel like I've gotten the chance to really open up to him and to have him open up to me too, it makes these memories that much more memorable when you know how you and the other person felt while experiencing the same situation.

It's good to be in love.
<3

First round of IVIG

I’m sitting here in the Cancer Center receiving my first round of five IVIG treatments. It’s a little surreal that I’m here. I was so worried 5 months ago when the numbness started that it would just continue and end up becoming a disability, and in some ways, it is a disability now. Weak wrists, wrist drop, foot drop (when your wrist/foot literally just gives out on you), balance issues, grip issues (I seriously have a hard time opening anything and grasping things tightly) Sometimes I worry about carrying Penelope. Usually I’ve got her held by my arms, and not my hands so much. I don’t think I’d ever forgive myself if my wrist gave out on me while she’s in my arms. I’m absolutely terrified to go down stairs with her in my arms, for fear that my wrist or foot will give out and down we’ll go.

Part of me is really worried that this treatment won’t do anything. But that’s me, the anxious pessimist. I worry that I’ll have to get these infusions pretty regularly, even every few months seems like a lot to me. I’d be stoked if I have to just do it once a year for the rest of my life. Who knows, we’ll see what the end result is. I don’t even worry though that it’ll take the numbness away, I don’t think it will, and I can live with that. I’ve gotten accustomed to having that “pins and needles” feeling in my hands and feet constantly (yep, going on 5 months of it now). But I’d be happy if it stops the progression of the numbness and keeps it from turning into a major disability in the future. And as I get older, it might, but for now, I’d be really happy if I can continue to be the mama I want to be to Penelope and our future kids. I don’t want this disorder to take away from that. I’ll never forgive myself if it does. Penelope needs me too much for me to let this ruin me. I’m strong, right?

Ok, enough of that for now. I want to talk about Pinterest. This is a website that is essentially my dream come true as far as inspiration boards go. I HATE making them in photoshop, so tedious and annoying. But this website just allows you to keep these pictures for anything on specific boards that you choose. I’ve got like 11 boards now I think, ranging from Baby Stuff, to cool photography, to hair ideas I love, to pics of handsome actors I like, haha. But really though, I could spend all day looking at this site. It is constantly updated with new pictures of crafts, style, clothing, home décor, unique sayings and quotes, kids ideas, etc… Like I said, basically it’s my interwebz dream come true. I love that all these things I love are in one place and I don’t have to save all of these hundreds of images on my computer (taking up unnecessary space) and also most of this is stuff I’d never find on my own. It’s kind of cool to see what other crafty mamas are into and what cool ideas people come up with. It’s the best thing ever. If you want an invite to use it, just comment below with your email and I’ll send you one.

That's all for now. More tomorrow, maybe with pics if the hospital's internet stops being stupid.

I promise I'm going to get better at this.

Hi there, I sure am cute, doncha think?

This monthly update thing is going to change, I swear it. I'm going to be better about blogging.

I feel like there's so much to talk about. My health, Penny, Easter, work, family, life. I don't even know where to start honestly.

This week we are house-sittings at my in-laws' home. I love being here. Their home is so inviting and cozy. It's perfect in the winter because it overlooks a pond out of the back window and there are trees everywhere that when they are covered with snow, well, it's so peaceful. In the summer, it's beautiful because everything is green. The pond is full of life and the wisteria that overhangs my mother-in-law's hammock is just heaven. At night you can hear the crickets chirping and it's so quiet. In the fall, the trees are an array of bold colors. It's just wonderful here. It's like, you can actually breath fresh air and relax. It's nice to have a little getaway from our everyday lives, even if it is just for a week.

My two favorite people

Penelope is 7 months old today. She's crawling now, and today she pulled herself up into a standing position. See how proud of herself she is?

It's all happening so fast!!! I need a slow-motion button. Everyday is something new with her. She's close to saying "mama" too. And she gives kisses now, only sometimes though. She'll grab your face with both hands and plant her open drooling mouth on your cheek. It's the best kind of kiss I know of.

Juuuuuuuuust doin' her morning pushups

It's finally really spring here in MI. This is the first week that it's going to be above 55 regularly and be sunny. April was RAIN RAIN RAIN and very cold. So it's nice to see the sun finally and some blue skies and flowers. Penny and I have been enjoying the sun when we can, she got to feel grass for the first time the other day, she liked it.

what's this green stuff?

being sock free feels awesome

feeling good

I'm excited for the summer to start too. I wanted to try to find a Mommy and Me swimming class for Penny and I, but all the ones I have found so far are ridiculously overpriced, so perhaps we'll find somewhere else to try swimming. Penny loves the bathtub so much, I think she'll really enjoy swimming. She mostly likes to just be naked, like this:

her little tushie is so cute!

Easter was nice. Spending time with family is always enjoyable. We had to postpone our Easter festivities with Hubby's family because Penny and I were suffering from a gnarly cold and we didn't want her adorable cousin Isabella to get it, and believe me, it was very contagious, everyone in our house got it. :(Here's Penny and Isabella about three weeks ago. They're two months apart.


Penny got this cute hat and these cute sunglasses in her Easter basket, along with bubbles and new toys. :-)

Even amidst a bad cold, Miss Penny is a smiley happy bubbly little lady. I adore her.

Little Miss is getting some curls in her hair, so it seems she'll be taking after her Daddy as far as hair goes. It's so cute!

Here's our April Family Photo:
We'll need to take a May one soon, that one was almost a month ago now!

As far as my health goes, I do indeed have what my neurologist thought, Multifocal Motor Neuropathy with Conduction Blocks. I start my IVIG (Intravenous Immunoglobulins) treatment on the 16th, so I've ordered a few books to read for the 30ish baby free hours I'll have on my hands. It still remains to be seen how often I'll need these IVIG treatments, possibly every few weeks, every few months, once a year, who knows. It all depends on my body and how stubborn it decides to be. I've been trying to do as much research as I can about it, but there's not much out there, because so few people have it. Which makes it scary, I wish I knew someone else who was dealing with this. Might make me feel a little less alone. I don't talk about it much to anyone because no one would understand. You can't really fathom what having constantly numb hands and feet is like, unless you have it.

But things are good. My insurance covers this incredibly expensive treatment and hopefully it'll do it's job and make me feel better. My fingers are crossed.

I'm going to post more. I promise.